Like the title says, its Sunday again, and I have nothing to tell you. but Im writing because I promised, and I try to keep my promises.
This last few weeks have been hell. I don’t know how many of you battle with depression. But I do. And its a battle that never ends.
I’ve been close. So close. to giving up.
Everyday I get out of bed and wish that I hadn’t woken up. That it would all just end. People say it gets better, that its a sickness, and there is help. Which doesn’t help. I don’t want help. I don’t want to get better. I just want it over.
No one will let me go. I’ve tried to say goodbye in so many ways and each time they hang on tighter.
There are days where Im peaceful. Made my decision and ready to just… go. Then someone comes and holds me and wont let go.
I don’t want to be dead. That isn’t the plan. I just don’t want to be here. To carry on hollowed out of all joy and pleasure is a hell all its own. Everything hurts. The idea that I have a whole life ahead of me with that is more than I can take. Writing gives me no peace. Talking doesn’t help. Its just the idea of leaving people that care for me behind to suffer that is holding me here.
I am getting the help. Taking the meds. Doing the talking. Trying to pretend for a little while that I want to be here.
I know many of you dont read this, and that is okay. Its not a suicide note. Its not for you that I write this, but for me. Some concrete manifestation of the emptiness that is consuming me.
I have temporal lobe epilepsy, as some of you know, and that makes it harder than it should to look forward to the future. The days when I cant move properly, or think, or talk. The disconnect between me and the rest of the people that are around me hurts. Its too much. And I know there is no cure. The meds dont work for it. I seize and the world is broken.
I know you all want the next book, and I would like to promise that it will come. But right now I cant. I cant promise anyone anything. There is nothing left of me.
I just wanted you to know that if I disappear, it has been an amazing ride connecting with my readers. To know that I produced/achieved something that has brought pleasure to others. You have kept me going when other things didnt. So thank you all.